If I may quote “Superbad” before we begin –
“Do you know what kinds of foods are shaped like dicks? The BEST kinds!”
To be clear, this isn’t a post about penis shaped foods, though it could be. I’ll leave that up to your imagination.
- Bananas – According to Hannah Hart & Tyler Oakley (or so I learned on Not Too Deep with Grace Helbig), you are not supposed to peel a banana from the stem, but rather what we all consider to be the bottom. I’ve been trying this and it just isn’t working for me, I keep smooshing the bottom of the banana. Anyway, if you want to look like you’re deep throating something inappropriate, OR get really awkward looks from people, please eat a banana in public.
- Tacos/Burritos – Not that these are bad by any means, but they’re not the most user friendly foods. You’d think a burrito would be, but without some foil wrapping on the bottom – it’s every piece of rice, corn or chicken for itself. I’m also not a hard-shell taco person for the reason of once it breaks, it’s really just nachos.
- Cupcakes – One bite? Do I go in from the top or the side? Can I make it into a sandwich by ripping the bottom cake part off and putting it on top (highly recommended). What do I do with this wrapper if I’m walking around? I love me some cupcakes, but it’s gotta be right place right time.
- Burgers/Large Sandwiches – If either of these come with a toothpick to hold the top and bottom together, you’re in for a rough ride. Don’t even get me started on if the bun/bread is big enough either – have you ever gotten to 3/4 of a burger eaten and you’ve got just enough bun to hold the thing without touching burger? And sometimes, if your burger or sandwich is piled high with all of these delicious ingredients you’re about to consume – can you even open your mouth that big? Do you go in from the side or… cut it in half? Again?
- Large Leaf Salads – I might be laughing alone while eating one, but if the leaf is longer than my fork and I need to break out a knife for this, someone missed the boat on salad and just threw some full blown lettuce leaves on the plate. Watch out for your eyes so you don’t flick dressing at yourself or anyone with you.
- Popsicles – I mean… just see the reasoning for banana. Except add the fact that you now are on a time trial to make sure that this does not drip onto your fingers and make you sticky for the rest of eternity.
- Ice Cream Cones – So while I do like ice cream, cones bug me. There are a few reasons why. If you get regular hard ice cream, you can’t get it into the cone unless it’s a teeny scoop, and then if you try your cone might break. Not to mention the classic lick and fall that has every parent in a two-block radius of an ice cream establishment terrified that scoop is going to hit the sidewalk. But what if it’s soft serve? Well then you have the issue of drippage, or even the bottom of a cone if it’s not properly made. Are you leaking? Go faster.
I just can’t take that kind of pressure on either side of the spectrum. I will stick with a cup.
- Watermelon (& Peaches) – Great foods, but so juicy you might look like you’re drooling. Or worse, you could spray your neighbor at the summer picnic with juice that was not intended for them. There’s also the issue of seeds, though I know they make seedless watermelon now, spitting is just not attractive.
- Ribs & Wings – I’d say that lobster could be lumped in here too, but if you need to worry about a bib or moist towelettes before the meal has even started, there’s a red flag. I get that these foods are really tasty, but there is no way to eat them without getting sauce on your fingers, face and most of the time shirt or pants. These are not first date foods.
- The End of Any Drink- whether you’re slurping loudly, or trying to chomp on the ice. Even trying to get the ice that’s stuck at the bottom of a cup gracefully. Do you go for it with your fingers, or risk ice face? You decide.
Bonus: Croissants. MAN those thing are a mess!
What’s the worst thing you’ve had to eat in front of someone else? 😉
Also, what’s the worst setting? Is it a first date, or a quiet office with loud chips? Give me your two cents in the comments!